Moved from the United States to the United Kingdom… and back to the United States. Currently in long-term limbo. My good, bad & ugly experiences as a former expatriate and (possibly) permanent repatriate (who'll continue traveling no matter what).

Posts tagged “strength

Wall Street Journal article: Repatriation blues.

As a repatriate, some of the points in this article hit home, especially since my return was (mostly) involuntary. Take a look at the article below and feel free to comment. Hopefully, other repatriates will comment too.

Repatriation Blues: Expats Struggle With The Dark Side Of Coming Home

Opinion piece – The Next Great Migration.

This is a New York Times opinion piece making the case for more Black Americans to consider expatriation. As someone who has been there and done that, this wasn’t a surprising read to me and is mostly relatable.

No country is a utopia, let’s get that straight. But it’s easy for me, a former expatriate, to understand the reasoning behind this opinion piece. America is in a tie, in my opinion, with Australia for being the most racist/prejudiced country on the planet. Any deeper-thinking and feeling person (who happens to be Black American) would want to leave a country in which we were enslaved in the past and still fighting for equality in the present.

Enough of my jet-lagged rambling. Take a look at this, and feel free to comment.

New York Times opinion piece – The Next Great Migration

Then and now.

Who forces time is pushed back by time; who yields to time finds time on his side. –The Talmud

(NOTE: this is a long one, with a bit of cursing, disclosure, no punches pulled, and vulnerability. Don’t like any of that? Don’t bother reading any further.)

Picture it: October 2013.

Aside from a few pieces of luggage filled to the brim with whatever I could carry, I returned home with almost nothing. The life I was trying to build in the United Kingdom was snatched from me.

I’d been placed on unpaid leave on August 9, 2013 – in contemplation of dismissal – by a shady employer that misinformed me about my work visa, among other things. Because of the employer, I accidentally overstayed my work visa by about 2 months by the time I received notification from the Home Office on August 8, 2013. I then had to report to the local immigration office like a criminal – once per week initially, then once every 2 weeks. I was evicted from my beautiful apartment in October by what turned out to be a shady landlord (I’ll never forget, Gary Sheppard of southeast London). I’d been his tenant for over 3 years and even offered him my security deposit, but money over everything, right? For 3 weeks before leaving the United Kingdom, I stayed with someone who insisted that I stay with her after my eviction. (I won’t mention her name here, but can’t thank her enough.)

I asked the male DNA contributor to please help me get a ticket home; there was no real response. Things were so bad that an American colleague took the male DNA contributor’s number from my phone to call and explain how bad things were. (Even though I knew it was a waste of time, she insisted.) Male DNA contributor begrudgingly bought a ticket, didn’t accept my thank yous, and treated me like shit. After almost 3 months of no contact (didn’t even check to make sure of my safe arrival to the U.S.), the male DNA contributor e-mailed me – not to say “hello” or “how are you?”, but to tell me that “you owe me (insert U.S. dollar amount here)”. No exaggeration – that’s what the e-mail said. When I responded that I was living from couch to couch, the male DNA contributor stated that I was exaggerating and need to look for work to pay back the money, along with some other really fucked up things that I can’t remember off the top of my head. Male DNA contributor would’ve known that I was looking all day every day, including weekends, at employment opportunities, had there been any effort to check on me. Don’t worry… I washed my hands for good.



The female DNA contributor isn’t much better. (Boy… if there’s a higher power, he or she sure knows how to pick the people whom they want to create new human beings. :-| ) Complete narcissistic waste of time & energy. Don’t worry… I washed my hands for good a while ago. At least I don’t discriminate, right?

Another person from England, whom I’d known for 10 years, insisted that I pay her back $50.00 I owed her in spite of full knowledge of my situation. Yes… $50.00. I was so stunned that she had the nerve to ask me for money she knew I didn’t have, that I just responded with “not a problem”. I gave her the bit of money (and boy, was it just a bit) I got from the former employer about 5 weeks later and after that… *crickets* –  no “hello” or “how are you?” or even “f*** you” after that. I waited 1 year for her to say something to me on any form of social media or technology… still *crickets*. I was there for her during some really difficult times (including an abusive relationship), before and after my move to England, and she threw everything away for 50 U.S. dollars. Don’t worry… I washed my hands for good.

Bye. (Or, in British speak, off you go.)

Bye. (Or, in British speak, off you go.)

At one point, I don’t think that even my aunt & uncle – who are like real parents to me – realized the gravity of my situation. And I’ll admit, I was angry at & frustrated with them for a bit before my return home. But once they realized how bad things were, that was it. I began staying with them before Xmas 2013.

I forgot to mention that since I accidentally overstayed my visa because of the former employer, along with reporting to the local immigration office, I was banned from returning to the United Kingdom for 1 year. Once I gave up all chances of returning after being shafted by recruitment agencies, I gave up trying to get back to the country and sat out my 1 year ban.

And so many other painful stories of betrayal and outright dismissal, from so-called colleagues, friends & relatives, that I could recount since I hit my rock bottom. (I’m not sure if those people deserve my energy, though.)

But then there are people such as:

  • my (ex-)stepfather who, in spite of us not speaking for 1 year because of an issue, picked me up at the airport upon my arrival home even though he lives in another state and carried my luggage – no questions asked – and gave me money for public transportation to get to interviews without me asking.
  • Joana, who insisted that I stay with her upon my return home, free of charge and refused any of my offers to help otherwise. I didn’t stay long due to other reasons, but for that and her I’m eternally grateful.
  • my aunt & uncle, who’ve housed me, which has helped me rebuild my life slowly but surely. Among countless other things, aunt bought me a coat and interview clothing also.
  • Dashima, who supported my fundraiser and sent me flowers when I finally got a job after almost 8 months of no luck.
  • Juma, who gave me his old coat until I got a new one, and provided other support.
  • those who gave me emotional and/or financial and/or other support and didn’t have to – Ellen & her husband storing my stuff in England, Sherri helping me pack, Sherri (again) & her husband cooking for me, Nadine helping me pack, Dacia, Gary, Johanna, Uzma, Twana, Sharon S., Natalie & Emmon, Ruth, Atiba, my 2 main Facebook group members, and so many others I wouldn’t expect.
  • the many people who sent me job postings.
  • the people who don’t know me in real life or online but believed me and believed in me more than enough to help, no questions asked.

I know I’ve forgotten some names, but I hope those people know my heart.

I think things are beginning to look up.

  • I’ve worked since March 2014, after almost 8 months of unemployment with no benefits of any kind.
  • I’ve paid down some debt.
  • I joined a gym to return to healthier living.
  • I’m studying for my next highest credential (or qualification, for those of you overseas).
  • My aunt, uncle and I get along very well overall, which is definitely a challenge for an introvert like me.
  • I have travels coming up within the next 2 months; my travel bug is finally back. (I’ll leave the travels as a surprise for now.)
  • And last, but certainly not least, I’ve been able to help others with no strings attached. It warms my heart to help those who can never pay it back (nor do they have to try). I’m just grateful to be able to do it. (I’m very selective, however.)
Finally (little by little).

Finally (little by little).

I sit here, typing this with tears in my eyes. (A few of ’em even fell.) Some feel like sad tears, but more feel like grateful tears. For those who left me when I needed it most, farewell. For the rest of you, I’m eternally grateful. I thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.

Little by little, step by step, day by day.

The world returning to my fingertips.

The world returning to my fingertips.

Gratitude 10.26.2014.

Written 10.26.2014:

I’m feeling: relaxed after getting lots of sleep.

I’m listening to: a DVRed episode of Dead Again.

I’m grateful for: a steady paycheck – I don’t have to enjoy my job, but it’s providing for now. New professional opportunities. My clients enjoying themselves at a local arts foundation. A new jacket for autumn – something I wasn’t able to get 1 year ago due to what happened to me. Having a few days off from work a few days ago to handle some business. Speaking to my 2nd oldest nephew for his birthday earlier this month. Learning about different ways to get cheap(er) plane tickets via Facebook (of all places). Being contacted by a former co-worker in England, who confirmed that I dodged a bullet in spite of what they did to me. Seeing a friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen in a few years (good to see you, R). My new fitness tracker – the price dropped so I took advantage. A discerning spirit.

I’m creating: the possibility of a new professional opportunity.

I’m enjoying: reading. My Kindle. Kindle daily deals, which help me save money on buying books. Dead Again. A less complicated life. Slowly but surely getting back on my feet.

I’m thinking about: what’s next for me after getting the next highest professional license. Where this potential professional opportunity may take me. The fact that it has been 1 year since I had to leave England. How bittersweet it is to think about returning here, and how it still affects me to this day. When I’m going to return to handle my business there, as this professional opportunity may take precedence over returning there next month and, therefore, delay my return there for a month or so.

I’m reading: I’m actually trying to decide what to read next. I just finished The Alchemist a few days ago, and I have so many decent books on my Kindle, I don’t know where to start next. I may read one of the books that I read when I was younger, just to read whichever book I choose with an older & wiser perspective. Stay tuned.

I’m looking forward to: seeing D’NALI this week. :-) Weighing myself to see if I lost any weight. (P.S. losing weight is hard, and I hope this is my first & only time having to do it.)

I’m learning to/practicing to/working on/embracing: ways to avoid going down the rabbit hole. Rebuilding my life slowly but surely. My fitness, health & wellness.

Around the house are: my exercise sneakers. Clean laundry waiting to be put away. Healthy snacks.

In my kitchen: is a pot soaking in the sink.

I’m planning later in the coming week to: return to checking flight prices to/from Kentucky and England – gave up for a bit due to frustration over prices, but recently learned (what are hopefully) 1 or 2 helpful tricks. Follow up with a few questions about handling my business in England – that was frustrating too. Check that one last piece of information for my license paperwork/application made it to the state board offices (luckily, the rest of the paperwork is already there). Meet up with D’NALI. Possibly meet up with step-dad for dinner later this week. Buy a bus ticket to see my stepmother & sister in Pennsylvania again. Follow up on that professional opportunity. Continue working out. Attend my doctor’s appointment.

My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: don’t sweat the small stuff; pick & choose battles wisely.

I’m wishing you: a good, peaceful & productive week.

My clients made books.

My clients made books.

The end. (Or the beginning?)

Exactly 1 year ago today, I left the United Kingdom after living there for over 3 years. It’s hard to even type that.

One of my dreams as a kid was to live abroad, whether for a long time or for good. That dream came true when I was given the opportunity to work in the United Kingdom. That dream came to an end, and not in the way in which I wanted. I even planned to return, but to no avail.

Were it up to me, I’d still be there. I wanted to get extra professional experience, dual citizenship, extra chances to travel, and a new life. I wanted things to end on my terms; I wanted to leave when I was ready. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. I lost almost everything; my dream went down the drain. I came back to the United States with only a few suitcases holding a bit of clothing, a few books, and a few treasured items. Meanwhile, those that fucked up my dream continue on as if nothing happened.

I was ashamed because even though it wasn’t my fault, I came home with nothing to show for my time there (or that’s how it seems). I came home to couchsurfing, no job in sight, and very little support – family included. I lost a lot (and gained nothing but pounds). Family turned on me. Friends – scarce. And retelling my story over again – not an option. I have to live it and that’s painful enough, so why the hell would I want to repeat it?

1 year ago today marked the end of an era, the end of my dream as I had it planned and hoped it’d turn out. It’s still a bit painful, still bittersweet. I miss traveling. I miss my Meetup groups and the experiences that came along with them. I missed living abroad. I experience nostalgia sometimes, and I miss the few dear friends I made, so much. I miss what could’ve and should’ve been.

But maybe… just maybe… the end was the beginning of a new part of my life journey. Only time will tell. And as far as that country, I’m not yet done with it. I still have unfinished business there to handle, and most importantly, I still have a few dear friends there.

I needed to get this out. Thanks for reading/listening. And please stay tuned; I still have a long road ahead.


Delayed gratitude.

Today 10.01.2014:

I’m feeling: busy.

I’m listening to: A Charlie Brown Christmas.

I’m grateful for: my new Kindle, purchased exactly 1 month ago. The ability to read for pleasure again; while I love regular books, carrying them around only made my back & neck issues worsen. Paying off another debt in September. Filling out, and mailing off, the paperwork/application needed for my next highest professional license eligibility to take the professional exam for said licence. Health insurance. Having my oldest nephew not only come up to the U.S. for school, but living just a 5-10 minute drive away from me. Getting to see a friend of mine and her husband visiting from England (family wedding).

I’m creating: possibly another group at the job. A good future for myself, hopefully.

I’m enjoying: reading. How To Get Away With Murder. Being single – been single for a very long time, but enjoying it even more lately, as it allows me to focus on rebuilding my life without any male distractions.

I’m thinking about: the things that have come to fruition since that tarot reading. What’s next for me after getting the next highest professional license. My next steps in terms of handling business in England. How damn high plane ticket prices are to England. How damn high plane ticket prices are to visit my aunt in Kentucky. WTF do these airlines want, a mortgage payment? :-|

I’m reading: The Alchemist. Also just finished To Kill A Mockingbird a little over 1 week ago; read it as a youngster, but read it with wiser eyes this time around.

I’m looking forward to: the weekend.

I’m learning to/practicing to/working on/embracing: be grateful because even though things aren’t perfect, I can’t really complain now. Take things one small step at a time; sometimes that’s hard to remember. Remember that while seeing others doing well sometimes gets me down, their journeys aren’t mine – my day will come.

Around the house are: my exercise sneakers.

In my kitchen: a few new grocery items.

I’m planning later in the coming week to: continue checking flight prices to Kentucky and England. Follow up with a few questions about handling my business in England. Follow up with the doctor for another appointment. Continue working out. Cook – we’ve now delegated cooking for each person on certain days, and the weekend is now delegated to me to cook weekly. Check that my license paperwork/application made it to the state board offices. Research study guides for the licensing exam. Hopefully see my oldest nephew – you know teens don’t like hanging out with old folks, but damn it, he better see me this coming week. :-|

My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: Everyone has a story.

I’m wishing you: a good week. Wholeness. Peace.

Gratitude? (Not much for August.)

Today 08.26.2014:

I’m feeling: exhausted. Drained. Tired. Sleepy.

I’m listening to: mostly silence.

I’m thinking about/wondering why: traveling. Going on a real vacation. Sleeping. Anything other than paperwork. This month being over.

I’m reading: not much now, but already looking at Kindle prices & models to decide which one to get.  That’ll hopefully happen by the end of the month.

I’m looking forward to: reading again once I get my Kindle. Having this Friday & Monday off. August being over.

I’m learning to/practicing to/working on/embracing: properly delivering bad news from a SW perspective. Paperwork for credentials. Myself, always.

I’m enjoying: The First 48.

I’m creating: …

I’m grateful for: second chances at life. The lives of those who are no longer with us. Employment. Observation. Discernment. Social support.

Around the house are: uniquely flavored Oreo cookies to mail to a friend of mine in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

In the kitchen: tilapia & rice noodles. The tilapia recipe is from SparkPeople.

I’m planning this week to: take time for & to myself. Distract myself over the long holiday weekend. Continue exercising (even though it doesn’t seem like anything is changing). Possibly meet up with an old friend who I haven’t seen since my time overseas.


I don’t have any quotes this week. I’m not inspired enough because this hasn’t been a good month.  Since 07.30.2014, I’ve had a family member die, another family member have 2 major medical emergencies, another family member attempt suicide, and a client death last week (likely by suicide).  Add to that Robin Williams’ suicide, Eric Garner (my hometown, by the way), Michael Brown and the disgusting yet unsurprising racism & racists (which I refuse to read; why give myself a stroke?), and countless other issues going on worldwide, and you can stick a fork in me because I’m done.

So instead, I’m dedicating this to the memory of my family member instead. Rest in peace, Aunt Jean 1926 – 2014.

Here’s to hoping that September – hell, the rest of the year – is better than this.  Take it easy & take care.

Life-changing day.

Exactly 1 year ago today, I received a letter in the mail that’d change my life for a long time, if not for good.

It was a Thursday evening, and I came home from a long day at work, with my team on duty for 3 days straight. I was glad to be home. It’d been my home for a little over 3 years, and I thought I’d be there for a long time to come.

There was mail in front of my door. I picked it up and saw that one piece was from the Home Office. I thought to myself

Oh, good. The Home Office will renew my visa. I’ll get to stay here a bit longer, save money, travel a bit, and even look into dual citizenship.

I put away my belongings, settled in to read my mail and maybe watch a little television – likely something I DVRed, no doubt. I opened the Home Office mail and read it. Then my heart sank deep into my stomach. The Home Office denied my visa application. I was a overstayer.

I re-read the letter a few times to make sure that it wasn’t a joke. But nothing in the letter changed. I was an accidental overstayer. I was speechless for a bit, and even fought back tears. (I can’t remember who won – me or the tears.) I called my aunt and let her know, and I told her I’d keep her posted.

Little did I know that this was the beginning of the end – the end of my expatriate life, the end of my independence, and the end of my life as I lived it for ___ years. And to this day, I’m still feeling the effects – they aren’t as strong as 1 year ago or even a few months ago, but they’re still there.

I hope my day is so busy that I don’t dwell on the anniversary. I hope that the bitterness goes away completely one day – some of it is gone, but some still remains. I hope that I can handle unfinished business over there. But in the meantime, for the way my expatriate life ended over there, that place can go straight to hell.

Today’s gratitude.

Today 08.06.2014:

I’m feeling: okay.

I’m listening to: mostly silence (for once).

I’m grateful for: seeing my sister & stepmother this past weekend.  Having Friday off to visit them.  All of the gluttonous food I ate while there.  A weekend of relaxed fun.  The ability to travel again for the first time in over a year.  Employment.  Being true to myself. Ridding myself of toxic people online (and offline).

Bacon cheeseburger pizza

Bacon cheeseburger pizza

If this is a medium-sized cone, imagine the large.

If this is a medium-sized cone, imagine the large.



Strawberry cheesecake flavored ice cream (cup); tropical orange flavor burst (cone)

Strawberry cheesecake flavored ice cream (cup); tropical orange flavor burst (cone)

I’m creating: a newer physical body (hopefully).  An improved & stable life (hopefully).

I’m enjoying: the silence.

I’m thinking about:  how I can help a loved one medium- to long-term.  Calling someone back about my professional hours because they haven’t called me back yet.  My next professional steps.  Whether or not to sit tight at this job for a bit longer; don’t want to upset my current semi-stability until necessary.  Getting a ticket to go back to England to handle unfinished business (hopefully November, if the price is right).  Visiting my stepmother & sister again in a couple of months.  At least one leisure trip to take later this year (hopefully).  That recent tarot reading (yes, still) because it was that insightful.

I’m reading: the same book from the last post.  Should finally be able to get a Kindle by the end of this month.

I’m looking forward to: relaxing a bit this weekend.

I’m learning to/practicing to/working on/embracingbeing independent & self-sufficient again.  My professional credentials (slowly but surely).  My debts.  My boundaries.  Embracing myself.

Around the house are: bags of recycling due for pick-up tomorrow.

In my kitchen: some pasta that aunt made.  Some pizza that uncle ordered (and I haven’t touched).

I’m planning later in the coming week to: research another professional credential.  Call the person back about my professional hours.  See what kind of Kindle I want.  Check flight prices to London.  Attend that doctor’s appointment.  Continue working out.  Buy a measuring tape to keep track of inches lost (if any).  Find a book-bag/backpack to hold my gym clothes, instead of my current flimsy bag.  Cook – haven’t done so in over a week.  Group gathering with a Facebook person who became a real life acquaintance/friend to a few of us in the Facebook group.

My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: If we are to have true peace in the world, we must find it within ourselves. DailyOM

I’m wishing you: a good & healthy week ahead.

Delaware Water Gap

Delaware Water Gap

Week in review 06.22.2014.


I’m feeling: okay. This past week was a little better than the last. I’ve made peace with one or two things, and I’m treading softly at work.

I’m listening to: the TV – Lockup: Raw. My uncle & aunt laughing.

I’m thinking: I need to go to the laundromat. I want to get my hair done. I want to go to a spa for at least half-day; how to fit it in is the challenge. I have to get ready for the upcoming work week. I hope that my friend visiting the United Kingdom remembers to bring back some tea for me (but I’ll understand if she forgets for obvious reasons). I’m not sure what’s gonna happen after my supervisor leaves in a few days, and that mightn’t be a good thing. I’m kinda surprised that I’m still getting calls to work back in England. I’d consider returning to England if the price is right and the opportunities to advance are on par with what I’d expect here. I don’t have much faith that England could offer me those things, though, so there that goes. I need to book a ticket to return because I have unfinished business to handle over there.

I’m reading: nothing. I may have to wait until July to get the Kindle; something unexpected came up this past week. My supervisor did, however, give me 2 books to read that have to do with my profession, so I may start reading one of them.

I’m looking forward to: seeing my stepmother & sister out-of-state; haven’t seen them since before moving to England. Getting behind the wheel of a car (just for a couple of days) for the first time in over a year and a half. Taking (what I think is a free trial) Krav Maga class, with the option to continue if it’s affordable. Working out at Planet Fitness.

I’m learning that: too many people pass the buck to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Too many people (especially those in power) want to control others and cross others’ boundaries, but are adamant about anyone controlling them and crossing their boundaries. (These are observations from the workplace, but the observations can also apply outside of work.) Some people are in my life for a reason and a season. Sometimes, it’s not me, it’s you.

I’m enjoying: the Spurs beating the Heat.

I’m creating: a healthier body (hopefully). A new & improved life in the long run (hopefully).

I’m grateful for: my uncle reaching a milestone birthday this weekend. My sister reaching her birthday the other day. Getting through another kickboxing class without as much soreness as the first time, which hopefully means that my body is getting used to it.



Around the house are: uncle’s plants. Blowing fans. Laundry ready for the laundromat.

In the kitchen: some fruits & vegetables from the farmers’ market, ready for cooking and/or juicing. Uncle’s ice cream cake. Iced tea.

Local farmers' market.

Local farmers’ market.

I’m planning this week to: follow-up with the doctor’s office. Cook once or twice. Take Krav Maga class. Try fitting in a kickboxing class before going out-of-state at the end of the week. Go to Planet Fitness. Focus on eating healthy at my stepmother’s barbecue. :-|

My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: “Creating ways to be happy is your life’s work, a challenge that won’t end until you die.” —Martha Beck (Wikipedia)