Hot mess.

Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin’ with no make-up on
That’s when you’re the prettiest, I hope that you don’t take it wrong…..

Drake – Best I Ever Had

Before.
Before.

I don’t think I’m ugly at all, but I’m by no means a beauty queen. I’ll never be the main “character” in a music video. I’ll probably never be a rich man’s trophy. I’ll never win Miss America, Miss World or Miss Universe. Letting myself go makes me feel worse about these (possible) facts.

As a little girl, I didn’t have much say over what to wear, so Mother Dear dressed me in pink & flowers & ribbons, oh my. 😐 Add to that the ritual of getting my hair done, and all of those things added together just gave me more to mess up when playing outside games & climbing trees. So the road to being a tomboy was pretty easy to find. Navigating that road got even easier by fashion trends of the day. A girl/young woman/woman could wear boyish clothing and not be automatically typecast as a particular type of lesbian. (Nowadays it seems the opposite – if one dresses in boyish clothing, it usually reflects one’s sexuality. This is a broad generalization only for the purposes of this entry, so please don’t take this personal.)

Fast forward to college, and though I still had some elements of boyishness about me, I dressed a little more like a girl (no) thanks to my then-boyfriend. His sister was a girly girl and always had guys milling about, so I guess he wanted me emulating her. As time went on, I had to learn how to come into my own.

Fast forward again and although I don’t prance around like the belle of the ball, I became a little more focused on better caring for myself – different forms of exercise (health is important to me), manicure & pedicure once every 1-2 months, hair done every 2-3 months, clothing with a more feminine edge, a little make-up from time to time, a little jewellery from time to time. I was more mindful of taking time out for my Self, pampering my Self on a small budget, so to speak. For those who know me well, I’ve never been a vain/shallow/superficial person even though I took better care of myself; therefore, my appearance is near the bottom of my list of priorities.

I got my hair done right before I moved overseas. I wanted it to last a long time (which it did) so that I’d have time to find a hair salon in this foreign land (which wasn’t hard but took some time). I remember getting a manicure & pedicure before moving over here; after all, it was summertime and dressing nicer was in full effect.

Summertime came and went. And I still hadn’t gotten a manicure or pedicure. Eagle’s claws would best describe my fingers & toes. 😐

In addition to work, I’d moved into my own flat, which came unfurnished. Although it’s nice enough that it doesn’t need a lot of furnishing, it’s still something that only I can do as I’m on my own. That meant more money toward furnishings and less disposable income. In addition, I still have financial obligations in the States along with new bills in this country, and a weak economy that weakens all worldwide currencies makes keeping those obligations even harder. Add to that the unexpected expenses that come with any major move, such as illness & prescriptions & customs taxes from shipping my goods and etc. (more entries about those things in the near future), and the last thing I worried about was how good I looked on any given day.

Then the brisk cold weather came. When it was warm, I walked all over the place. Call it an excuse, but cold weather doesn’t inspire me to walk. Gym memberships are not cheap in my area either. Although I don’t eat much, I didn’t move around as much as I did during the summer and….. I began to notice rolls & creases in different places. Clothing got a little tighter. I can’t go clothes shopping all willy-nilly with my financial obligations, so I returned to my tomboy days of wearing big clothes. The only thing that demonstrated that I wasn’t a boy is my long hair….. and with the new hair on my chinny-chin-chin, maybe the long hair didn’t help after all. 😐

All of this, coupled with the challenges of moving, makes me feel & look less than. I’m used to looking like a boy now and I don’t have enough energy to make myself look nice. Or maybe I’ve become complacent, who knows. I just know that I’ve given up.

I got my hair done a few days before going home, and it was a lucky shot because a new salon opened in my area and the prices are right. Besides that, I’m feeling low about my appearance (and a few other things). I’m gonna get a manicure/pedicure whilst at home, and I’ve set aside a little cash to go clothes shopping – shoes, boots, sneakers, jeans, pants, whatever it takes. Hopefully new clothing will have at least a small impact.

Epilogue: I’ve purchased some nice clothing and, thanks to myriad post-holiday sales & clothes being cheaper in the States, my pockets aren’t hurting as much as I thought they would. But even if my pockets took a hard hit, I’m happy that I can finally begin feeling better about myself. It’s about time I do something for myself; the corporations can wait for once.

How have others in my situation, especially those who have expatriated, handled it? How do you keep up appearances, if at all? How do you keep your spirits lifted, if at all? What are your cost-cutting strategies for keeping up your appearance?

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