I’m grateful for: second chances at life. The lives of those who are no longer with us. Employment. Observation. Discernment. Social support.
Around the house are: uniquely flavored Oreo cookies to mail to a friend of mine in the U.S. Virgin Islands.
In the kitchen: tilapia & rice noodles. The tilapia recipe is from SparkPeople.
I’m planning this week to:take time for & to myself. Distract myself over the long holiday weekend. Continue exercising (even though it doesn’t seem like anything is changing). Possibly meet up with an old friend who I haven’t seen since my time overseas.
I don’t have any quotes this week. I’m not inspired enough because this hasn’t been a good month. Since 07.30.2014, I’ve had a family member die, another family member have 2 major medical emergencies, another family member attempt suicide, and a client death last week (likely by suicide). Add to that Robin Williams’ suicide, Eric Garner (my hometown, by the way), Michael Brown and the disgusting yet unsurprising racism & racists(which I refuse to read; why give myself a stroke?), and countless other issues going on worldwide, and you can stick a fork in me because I’m done.
So instead, I’m dedicating this to the memory of my family member instead. Rest in peace, Aunt Jean 1926 – 2014.
Here’s to hoping that September – hell, the rest of the year – is better than this. Take it easy & take care.
Exactly 1 year ago today, I received a letter in the mail that’d change my life for a long time, if not for good.
It was a Thursday evening, and I came home from a long day at work, with my team on duty for 3 days straight. I was glad to be home. It’d been my home for a little over 3 years, and I thought I’d be there for a long time to come.
There was mail in front of my door. I picked it up and saw that one piece was from the Home Office. I thought to myself
Oh, good. The Home Office will renew my visa. I’ll get to stay here a bit longer, save money, travel a bit, and even look into dual citizenship.
I put away my belongings, settled in to read my mail and maybe watch a little television – likely something I DVRed, no doubt. I opened the Home Office mail and read it. Then my heart sank deep into my stomach. The Home Office denied my visa application. I was a overstayer.
I re-read the letter a few times to make sure that it wasn’t a joke. But nothing in the letter changed. I was an accidental overstayer. I was speechless for a bit, and even fought back tears. (I can’t remember who won – me or the tears.) I called my aunt and let her know, and I told her I’d keep her posted.
Little did I know that this was the beginning of the end – the end of my expatriate life, the end of my independence, and the end of my life as I lived it for ___ years. And to this day, I’m still feeling the effects – they aren’t as strong as 1 year ago or even a few months ago, but they’re still there.
I hope my day is so busy that I don’t dwell on the anniversary. I hope that the bitterness goes away completely one day – some of it is gone, but some still remains. I hope that I can handle unfinished business over there. But in the meantime, for the way my expatriate life ended over there, that place can go straight to hell.
I’m grateful for: seeing my sister & stepmother this past weekend. Having Friday off to visit them. All of the gluttonous food I ate while there. A weekend of relaxed fun. The ability to travel again for the first time in over a year. Employment. Being true to myself. Ridding myself of toxic people online (and offline).
I’m creating: a newer physical body (hopefully). An improved & stable life (hopefully).
I’m enjoying: the silence.
I’m thinking about: how I can help a loved one medium- to long-term. Calling someone back about my professional hours because they haven’t called me back yet. My next professional steps. Whether or not to sit tight at this job for a bit longer; don’t want to upset my current semi-stability until necessary. Getting a ticket to go back to England to handle unfinished business (hopefully November, if the price is right). Visiting my stepmother & sister again in a couple of months. At least one leisure trip to take later this year (hopefully). That recent tarot reading (yes, still) because it was that insightful.
I’m reading: the same book from the last post. Should finally be able to get a Kindle by the end of this month.
I’m looking forward to: relaxing a bit this weekend.
I’m learning to/practicing to/working on/embracing: being independent & self-sufficient again. My professional credentials (slowly but surely). My debts. My boundaries. Embracing myself.
Around the house are: bags of recycling due for pick-up tomorrow.
In my kitchen: some pasta that aunt made. Some pizza that uncle ordered (and I haven’t touched).
I’m planning later in the coming week to: research another professional credential. Call the person back about my professional hours. See what kind of Kindle I want. Check flight prices to London. Attend that doctor’s appointment. Continue working out. Buy a measuring tape to keep track of inches lost (if any). Find a book-bag/backpack to hold my gym clothes, instead of my current flimsy bag. Cook – haven’t done so in over a week. Group gathering with a Facebook person who became a real life acquaintance/friend to a few of us in the Facebook group.
My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: If we are to have true peace in the world, we must find it within ourselves. DailyOM
I’m looking forward to: getting my hair done; it has been over 3 months. Having next Friday off for seeing my stepmother & sister next weekend. Getting away for that weekend. The time when I’ll be able to really travel again. The time when I’ll finally be back on my feet, independent again.
I’m learning that: I’ve come a long way, but still have a very long way to go and more self-work to do. Sometimes, just listening is all a person needs to begin healing. (Luckily as an introvert, listening is one thing I do alright.) I don’t have to allow someone else’s negativity to affect me. I’m seeing how some people give without expecting anything back in return. I may have to do even more than I’m already doing to lose weight (and trust me, I’m tracking & doing everything possible). Expecting less = less disappointment.
I’m enjoying: my aunt’s NutriBullet juices & smoothies. The experimentation has been quite tasty.
I’m grateful for: being employed in spite of the job being imperfect. The ability to buy a bus ticket to see my stepmother & sister. Paying off 3 debts so far this year. Doing the tarot reading that my friend kept insisting I should try; it was a new experience and gave me lots of food for thought. My aunt & uncle. My stepfather. Learning something new every day. Dodging literal bullets. Joining the gym. Finding a Groupon deal for the local kickboxing gym; it helps me mix up my exercise/workout while saving a few bucks. Finally making & completing one of my doctor’s appointments. Living in a peaceful home with aunt & uncle from the very start – they say it’s my energy/spirit/aura, but surely it isn’t just me contributing. Chatting with my friend’s daughter in England on Whatsapp – she’s getting married next year, very happy for her and will definitely attend. Getting a call from another expatriate who’s still in England but hopefully returning here soon – it was so good to hear from them.
Around the house are: fans and an air conditioner.
In the kitchen: fruits that aunt bought to experiment with juices & smoothies.
In the coming week, I plan to: follow-up with one more doctor’s appointment. Cook once or twice. Work out (as usual). Get a lock for the gym locker. Weigh myself (for better or worse, it hasn’t been done in over a month and it needs doing). Work late to have Friday off to see my stepmother & sister. Speak with someone who can verify my hours for my next professional license paperwork & test. Think even more about my tarot reading – so much food for thought.
I’m listening to: blowing fans keeping us cool. The TV – FIFA World Cup Costa Rica vs. Greece with my uncle. (Haven’t followed the World Cup aside from this, to be honest. Basketball is more my game.)
I’m thinking: I’m so glad that this is a short work week. I want to re-start studying Portuguese again. I need to brush up on my Spanish; I took it for too many years (even minored in it in college) to just let it die. I need to update my résumé, fill out some paperwork for the next highest professional license, and apply for another credential. I wonder if I should take up my friend’s offer of getting a psychic reading? Never did one before…
I’m reading: nothing now, but that should change this coming week, as my now-former supervisor gave me 2 more reading books for my profession. I should be able to get myself a Kindle in July.
I’m looking forward to: having a short work week. Going to the gym; it really impressed me and I look forward to going regularly. Paying off 1 debt. Having something to do for the weekend (hopefully).
I’m learning that: I must stop always feeling the need to explain myself. Losing weight won’t mean much if my self-confidence is negative. Nothing will get done unless I do it – someone on my social media news feed said “Never ask for help. The ones who tell you don’t be afraid to ask are the same ones who claim they can’t help.” and sadly, I must agree. It isn’t even from a place of frustration anymore; it’s just a resigned acceptance and the story of most of my life.
I’m enjoying:these pita chips, which are healthier than buying & eating a bunch of cookies.
I’m grateful for: taking a free Krav Maga class last week, although it made me quite nostalgic about taking it while overseas. (I can admit that sometimes, I miss that place in spite of what they did to me. Blog post about that coming soon.) Joining the gym. My stepfather. My aunt & uncle. The ability to choose to stay away from (potential & definite) toxic situations with toxic people. My work team (minus upper management). Speaking to my friend’s daughter in England earlier today – I miss their family so much.
Around the house are: lazy folks enjoying a lazy weekend.
In the kitchen: new groceries.
I’m planning this week to: follow-up with the doctor’s office – doing the job of 3 people at work makes me quite forgetful, and it is time for me to just write a note so that I don’t keep forgetting because my health is more important that any job. Cook once or twice. Go to the gym. Get extra workout clothing and a lock for the gym locker. Do something for the long weekend. Look for a ticket to see my stepmother & sister since I couldn’t see them this weekend after all (long story).
My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: none that I can think of for this week. However, I suggest DailyOM for wise words when you want.
I’m feeling: okay. This past week was a little better than the last. I’ve made peace with one or two things, and I’m treading softly at work.
I’m listening to: the TV – Lockup: Raw. My uncle & aunt laughing.
I’m thinking: I need to go to the laundromat. I want to get my hair done. I want to go to a spa for at least half-day; how to fit it in is the challenge. I have to get ready for the upcoming work week. I hope that my friend visiting the United Kingdom remembers to bring back some tea for me (but I’ll understand if she forgets for obvious reasons). I’m not sure what’s gonna happen after my supervisor leaves in a few days, and that mightn’t be a good thing. I’m kinda surprised that I’m still getting calls to work back in England. I’d consider returning to England if the price is right and the opportunities to advance are on par with what I’d expect here. I don’t have much faith that England could offer me those things, though, so there that goes. I need to book a ticket to return because I have unfinished business to handle over there.
I’m reading: nothing. I may have to wait until July to get the Kindle; something unexpected came up this past week. My supervisor did, however, give me 2 books to read that have to do with my profession, so I may start reading one of them.
I’m looking forward to: seeing my stepmother & sister out-of-state; haven’t seen them since before moving to England. Getting behind the wheel of a car (just for a couple of days) for the first time in over a year and a half. Taking (what I think is a free trial) Krav Maga class, with the option to continue if it’s affordable. Working out at Planet Fitness.
I’m learning that: too many people pass the buck to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Too many people (especially those in power) want to control others and cross others’ boundaries, but are adamant about anyone controlling them and crossing their boundaries. (These are observations from the workplace, but the observations can also apply outside of work.) Some people are in my life for a reason and a season. Sometimes, it’s not me, it’s you.
I’m creating: a healthier body (hopefully). A new & improved life in the long run (hopefully).
I’m grateful for: my uncle reaching a milestone birthday this weekend. My sister reaching her birthday the other day. Getting through another kickboxing class without as much soreness as the first time, which hopefully means that my body is getting used to it.
Around the house are: uncle’s plants. Blowing fans. Laundry ready for the laundromat.
In the kitchen: some fruits & vegetables from the farmers’ market, ready for cooking and/or juicing. Uncle’s ice cream cake. Iced tea.
I’m planning this week to: follow-up with the doctor’s office. Cook once or twice. Take Krav Maga class. Try fitting in a kickboxing class before going out-of-state at the end of the week. Go to Planet Fitness. Focus on eating healthy at my stepmother’s barbecue. :-|
My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: “Creating ways to be happy is your life’s work, a challenge that won’t end until you die.” –Martha Beck (Wikipedia)
I’m feeling: a little relaxed, physically. Otherwise, so-so.
I’m listening to: (or more like watching) Investigation Discovery channel.
I’m thinking: hopefully this week will be better than last week. Last week was rough & disappointing, in my professional life and my personal life.
I’m reading: on the internet to try catching up with current events.
I’m looking forward to: joining Planet Fitness later this week. Taking another kickboxing class (planning to do this once per week or once biweekly). My sister’s birthday. My uncle’s birthday.
I’m learning that: friendship is fleeting. It’s not always me, it’s you/them. No matter what one says or does (or doesn’t say or doesn’t do), one can’t satisfy everyone. I can’t take on others’ personal issues. I must look out for myself because no jobno friendno relative no one else will.
I’m enjoying: not much this past week, unfortunately.
I’m creating/planning: my next steps professionally and personally. A trip somewhere – don’t know where, but the travel bug is back again and it must be addressed with an overseas trip (hopefully within the next 12 months). The expatriate bug has been biting on & off too, so who knows what’s next…
I’m grateful for: spending time with my friend’s family on Friday evening – they’re the American version of the Mauritian family in England. Someone online who not only offered me an ear, but followed through and lent it to me – too many make promises and don’t keep ‘em, do things only if it benefits them and if it’s reciprocated even more than what they gave.
Around the house are: my boxing gloves for kickboxing class.
In the kitchen: a Carvel ice cream cake for my uncle for Father’s Day and a quickly-planned lunch for my uncle (nothing fancy, but hopefully he’ll like it).
I’m planning this week to: schedule other appointments with referred doctors. Cook once or twice. Take kickboxing class again. Join Planet Fitness. Figure out my next professional steps. Figure out how to get to my stepmother’s graduation barbeque. Rethink all friendships. Rethink myself. Try staying focused on rebuilding my life because unfortunately, what that borough did to me still reverberates throughout my life to this day.
My quote/verse for the upcoming week is:
“Even when we’re quiet and don’t know what to say, we can be heard. Even when we are wordless, we can be understood.”
I’m feeling: physically better – allergies seem to have gone away for the most part.
I’m listening to:Ginuwine on my phone. The slight tapping of my fingers on this keyboard.
I’m thinking: June will be a busy month – a few birthdays, a graduation barbecue in Pennsylvania, other business to handle, work, etc. I need to look into filing paperwork for the next highest professional license and a new credential… I just need to make the time between work & commuting. I’m feeling a bit out of it.
I’m reading: nothing now. Hopefully by the end of this month, Kindle here I come.
I’m looking forward to: the free trial kickboxing class. If it’s good, I’ll take it once per week, which will help knock out a big chunk of the 180 minutes of exercise per week needed for weight loss & healthy lifestyle.
I’m learning: while I’m glad that people appreciate my overall work ethic, even I have limits on how much I can do, at work and otherwise. That I still have a long way to go in my personal & professional journeys. That lots of people are just winging it through life; in other words, most of us don’t know WTF we’re doing. That some people in power are doing a damn good job of winging it. :-| That either I’m winging it too, or I need to improve my self-confidence a bit.
I’m enjoying: the ability to help those who need it because now, I know exactly what it’s like to be in a seemingly bottomless pit. And I’ll never forget it.
I’m creating: what I hope is a healthier, more stable life overall. I’m paying down debts, and I’m trying to strengthen my boundaries even more than they already are.
I’m grateful for: losing 4 pounds since April 1st. SparkPeople – that website is a godsend for healthy living. Getting a pedicure. Having dinner with step-dad and giving him a present that he loved. Going with my intuition for step-dad’s present. Seeing my sister this past weekend for the first time since before moving overseas – while we’ve lived different lives, as we’ve gotten older, I think our relationship will strengthen. My sister’s weight loss – lost 50 pounds so far, looks even more amazing than she did before, and it inspired me even more to lose weight & live healthy as a result.
Around the house are: winter clothes that need putting away since we’ve clearly jumped from winter straight into summer. :-|
In the kitchen: not sure because for the first time since visiting my sister, I haven’t cooked for the house all week and plan to keep it that way until next week.
I’m planning this week to: attend a couple doctors’ appointments for the first time since returning to the U.S. (still have gripes about the U.S. healthcare system). Cook once or twice. Take kickboxing class again if I like it. Figure out what to get my uncle for his birthday. Figure out what to get my sister for her birthday (I think I already know). Attend the local NASW lecture/workshop. Visit my friend’s family and play with their 6-month-old baby & 3-month-old nephew.
My quote/verse for the upcoming week is:
Once in a while life simply takes a pause, stops to take a breath and re-consider its direction. Pause with it. Breathe into the new direction.
(I must try remembering this for the upcoming week and beyond.)
I’m feeling: under the weather. Damn blasted allergies. :-|
I’m listening to: myself typing on this keyboard, along with silence. Aunt is taking a nap, uncle is outside doing who knows what, and I’m recovering from exercising and a night out.
I’m thinking: when aunt wakes up and we go run errands, I need to get some extra-strength allergy medicine. :-|
I’m reading: same as last week. Hoping to get a Kindle some time next month.
I’m looking forward to: the upcoming long weekend (Memorial Day). Dinner with (ex) stepfather this week (he had a family emergency last week, so we postponed). One of our staff members returning to work from knee surgery so that my load is lightened a bit. (I’m also glad, of course, that the staff member is recovering well.)
I’m learning: that I can’t make a person change; one must want change for oneself. It sucks feeling helpless about it, but I can’t do anything to change another. That I may have a few extra opportunities to advance my career, thanks to hearing things confirmed through the grapevine. That even though recruitment agencies from England keep contacting me, not a damn thing has changed with their social services system. (One borough wants to interview me when they come to New York City next month, but I’m extremely ambivalent about returning there for many reasons. Here’s one of the reasons why.)
I’m enjoying: being “in the know” just a little when it comes to some things at work. I appreciate being valued by a job and knowing a few inner workings of upper management. I don’t know what the future holds, but if nothing else, this job is definitely a learning experience.
I’m creating: dinner tonight, and they better eat every bite. :-|
I’m grateful for: getting to celebrate my good friend’s milestone birthday last night. Seeing a few people at the gathering who I’ve not seen in as little as a few years and as much as double-digit years. Lots of laughter. Being mindful of what I ate and not going overboard (healthy living can be hard – but not impossible – sometimes). Enjoying Reese’s peanut butter cups and still not going overboard. Allowing myself exercise breaks when needed, like today. My (ex) stepmother graduating with her Master’s of Social Work yesterday; I’m so happy for her, and I hope that I helped her even 1% with my advice. I couldn’t attend the graduation, but I’ll see her and my youngest sister at her celebration next month. :-)
Around the house are: weekly groceries to be put away. New laundry to be put away.
In the kitchen: dinner food in the refrigerator, waiting to be cooked later. Dishes in the sink that aunt is complaining about even though I told her I’ll wash ‘em after I finish cooking. :-| Food to be prepped for the rest of the week; always better to get it out of the way now when I have time. :-|
I’m planning this week to: schedule a doctor’s appointment for the first time since returning to the U.S.; I won’t bore anyone with my gripes about the healthcare system. Cook once or twice. Find out if anyone is having a Memorial Day weekend barbeque or gathering. Get a well-overdue manicure & pedicure for my upcoming trip to see my sister and a friend or two. Shampoo 9 years’ worth of dreads (D’NALI started ‘em for me 05.15.2005).
My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: It wasn’t a waste of time if you learned something.
Moved from the United States to the United Kingdom… and back to the United States. Currently in long-term limbo. My good, bad & ugly experiences as an expatriate and possible permanent repatriate (who'll continue traveling no matter what).