Gratitude? (Not much for August.)

Today 08.26.2014:

I’m feeling: exhausted. Drained. Tired. Sleepy.

I’m listening to: mostly silence.

I’m thinking about/wondering why: traveling. Going on a real vacation. Sleeping. Anything other than paperwork. This month being over.

I’m reading: not much now, but already looking at Kindle prices & models to decide which one to get.  That’ll hopefully happen by the end of the month.

I’m looking forward to: reading again once I get my Kindle. Having this Friday & Monday off. August being over.

I’m learning to/practicing to/working on/embracing: properly delivering bad news from a SW perspective. Paperwork for credentials. Myself, always.

I’m enjoying: The First 48.

I’m creating: …

I’m grateful for: second chances at life. The lives of those who are no longer with us. Employment. Observation. Discernment. Social support.

Around the house are: uniquely flavored Oreo cookies to mail to a friend of mine in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

In the kitchen: tilapia & rice noodles. The tilapia recipe is from SparkPeople.

I’m planning this week to: take time for & to myself. Distract myself over the long holiday weekend. Continue exercising (even though it doesn’t seem like anything is changing). Possibly meet up with an old friend who I haven’t seen since my time overseas.

 

I don’t have any quotes this week. I’m not inspired enough because this hasn’t been a good month.  Since 07.30.2014, I’ve had a family member die, another family member have 2 major medical emergencies, another family member attempt suicide, and a client death last week (likely by suicide).  Add to that Robin Williams’ suicide, Eric Garner (my hometown, by the way), Michael Brown and the disgusting yet unsurprising racism & racists (which I refuse to read; why give myself a stroke?), and countless other issues going on worldwide, and you can stick a fork in me because I’m done.

So instead, I’m dedicating this to the memory of my family member instead. Rest in peace, Aunt Jean 1926 – 2014.

Here’s to hoping that September – hell, the rest of the year – is better than this.  Take it easy & take care.

Late gratitude.

Today 07.25.2014:

I’m feeling: contemplative.

I’m listening to: one of my co-workers blasting music in Spanish.  It’s the end of the work week and big bosses took the day off, so why not.

I’m thinking: I’ve come a long way, but still have a very long way to go.  I shouldn’t let life get in the way of blogging weekly or so.  I need a real vacation.

I’m reading: The Social Work Interview. Only a few pages in, but at least that’s a start?

I’m looking forward to: getting my hair done; it has been over 3 months.  Having next Friday off for seeing my stepmother & sister next weekend.  Getting away for that weekend.  The time when I’ll be able to really travel again.  The time when I’ll finally be back on my feet, independent again.

I’m learning that: I’ve come a long way, but still have a very long way to go and more self-work to do.  Sometimes, just listening is all a person needs to begin healing.  (Luckily as an introvert, listening is one thing I do alright.)  I don’t have to allow someone else’s negativity to affect me.  I’m seeing how some people give without expecting anything back in return.  I may have to do even more than I’m already doing to lose weight (and trust me, I’m tracking & doing everything possible).  Expecting less = less disappointment.

I’m enjoying: my aunt’s NutriBullet juices & smoothies.  The experimentation has been quite tasty.

I’m grateful for: being employed in spite of the job being imperfect.  The ability to buy a bus ticket to see my stepmother & sister.  Paying off 3 debts so far this year.  Doing the tarot reading that my friend kept insisting I should try; it was a new experience and gave me lots of food for thought.  My aunt & uncle.  My stepfather.  Learning something new every day. Dodging literal bullets.  Joining the gym.  Finding a Groupon deal for the local kickboxing gym; it helps me mix up my exercise/workout while saving a few bucks.  Finally making & completing one of my doctor’s appointments.  Living in a peaceful home with aunt & uncle from the very start – they say it’s my energy/spirit/aura, but surely it isn’t just me contributing.  Chatting with my friend’s daughter in England on Whatsapp – she’s getting married next year, very happy for her and will definitely attend.  Getting a call from another expatriate who’s still in England but hopefully returning here soon – it was so good to hear from them.

Around the house are: fans and an air conditioner.

In the kitchen: fruits that aunt bought to experiment with juices & smoothies.

In the coming week, I plan to: follow-up with one more doctor’s appointment. Cook once or twice. Work out (as usual). Get a lock for the gym locker. Weigh myself (for better or worse, it hasn’t been done in over a month and it needs doing).  Work late to have Friday off to see my stepmother & sister. Speak with someone who can verify my hours for my next professional license paperwork & test.  Think even more about my tarot reading – so much food for thought.

My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: Growing Pains

Weekly update 06.29.2014.

Today:

I’m feeling: neither here nor there.

I’m listening to: blowing fans keeping us cool. The TV – FIFA World Cup Costa Rica vs. Greece with my uncle. (Haven’t followed the World Cup aside from this, to be honest. Basketball is more my game.)

I’m thinking: I’m so glad that this is a short work week. I want to re-start studying Portuguese again. I need to brush up on my Spanish; I took it for too many years (even minored in it in college) to just let it die. I need to update my résumé, fill out some paperwork for the next highest professional license, and apply for another credential. I wonder if I should take up my friend’s offer of getting a psychic reading? Never did one before…

I’m reading: nothing now, but that should change this coming week, as my now-former supervisor gave me 2 more reading books for my profession. I should be able to get myself a Kindle in July.

I’m looking forward to: having a short work week. Going to the gym; it really impressed me and I look forward to going regularly. Paying off 1 debt. Having something to do for the weekend (hopefully).

I’m learning that: I must stop always feeling the need to explain myself. Losing weight won’t mean much if my self-confidence is negative. Nothing will get done unless I do it – someone on my social media news feed said “Never ask for help. The ones who tell you don’t be afraid to ask are the same ones who claim they can’t help.” and sadly, I must agree. It isn’t even from a place of frustration anymore; it’s just a resigned acceptance and the story of most of my life.

I’m enjoying: these pita chips, which are healthier than buying & eating a bunch of cookies.

I’m grateful for: taking a free Krav Maga class last week, although it made me quite nostalgic about taking it while overseas. (I can admit that sometimes, I miss that place in spite of what they did to me. Blog post about that coming soon.) Joining the gym. My stepfather. My aunt & uncle. The ability to choose to stay away from (potential & definite) toxic situations with toxic people. My work team (minus upper management). Speaking to my friend’s daughter in England earlier today – I miss their family so much.

Around the house are: lazy folks enjoying a lazy weekend.

In the kitchen: new groceries.

I’m planning this week to: follow-up with the doctor’s office – doing the job of 3 people at work makes me quite forgetful, and it is time for me to just write a note so that I don’t keep forgetting because my health is more important that any job. Cook once or twice. Go to the gym. Get extra workout clothing and a lock for the gym locker. Do something for the long weekend. Look for a ticket to see my stepmother & sister since I couldn’t see them this weekend after all (long story).

My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: none that I can think of for this week. However, I suggest DailyOM for wise words when you want.

Week in review 06.15.2014.

Today:

I’m feeling: a little relaxed, physically. Otherwise, so-so.

I’m listening to: (or more like watching) Investigation Discovery channel.

I’m thinking: hopefully this week will be better than last week. Last week was rough & disappointing, in my professional life and my personal life.

The weather wasn't much better.

The weather wasn’t much better.

I’m reading: on the internet to try catching up with current events.

I’m looking forward to: joining Planet Fitness later this week. Taking another kickboxing class (planning to do this once per week or once biweekly). My sister’s birthday. My uncle’s birthday.

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I’m learning that: friendship is fleeting. It’s not always me, it’s you/them. No matter what one says or does (or doesn’t say or doesn’t do), one can’t satisfy everyone. I can’t take on others’ personal issues. I must look out for myself because no job no friend no relative no one else will.

I’m enjoying: not much this past week, unfortunately.

I’m creating/planning: my next steps professionally and personally. A trip somewhere – don’t know where, but the travel bug is back again and it must be addressed with an overseas trip (hopefully within the next 12 months). The expatriate bug has been biting on & off too, so who knows what’s next…

I’m grateful for: spending time with my friend’s family on Friday evening – they’re the American version of the Mauritian family in England. Someone online who not only offered me an ear, but followed through and lent it to me – too many make promises and don’t keep ‘em, do things only if it benefits them and if it’s reciprocated even more than what they gave.

Around the house are: my boxing gloves for kickboxing class.

In the kitchen: a Carvel ice cream cake for my uncle for Father’s Day and a quickly-planned lunch for my uncle (nothing fancy, but hopefully he’ll like it).

I’m planning this week to: schedule other appointments with referred doctors. Cook once or twice. Take kickboxing class again. Join Planet Fitness. Figure out my next professional steps. Figure out how to get to my stepmother’s graduation barbeque. Rethink all friendships. Rethink myself. Try staying focused on rebuilding my life because unfortunately, what that borough did to me still reverberates throughout my life to this day.

My quote/verse for the upcoming week is:

“Even when we’re quiet and don’t know what to say, we can be heard. Even when we are wordless, we can be understood.”

(Introvert Spring)

Week (or 2) in review.

Today:

I’m feeling: physically better – allergies seem to have gone away for the most part.

I’m listening to: Ginuwine on my phone. The slight tapping of my fingers on this keyboard.

I’m thinking: June will be a busy month – a few birthdays, a graduation barbecue in Pennsylvania, other business to handle, work, etc. I need to look into filing paperwork for the next highest professional license and a new credential… I just need to make the time between work & commuting. I’m feeling a bit out of it.

I’m reading: nothing now. Hopefully by the end of this month, Kindle here I come.

I’m looking forward to: the free trial kickboxing class. If it’s good, I’ll take it once per week, which will help knock out a big chunk of the 180 minutes of exercise per week needed for weight loss & healthy lifestyle.

I’m learning: while I’m glad that people appreciate my overall work ethic, even I have limits on how much I can do, at work and otherwise. That I still have a long way to go in my personal & professional journeys. That lots of people are just winging it through life; in other words, most of us don’t know WTF we’re doing. That some people in power are doing a damn good job of winging it. :-| That either I’m winging it too, or I need to improve my self-confidence a bit.

I’m enjoying: the ability to help those who need it because now, I know exactly what it’s like to be in a seemingly bottomless pit. And I’ll never forget it.

I’m creating: what I hope is a healthier, more stable life overall. I’m paying down debts, and I’m trying to strengthen my boundaries even more than they already are.

I’m grateful for: losing 4 pounds since April 1st. SparkPeople – that website is a godsend for healthy living. Getting a pedicure. Having dinner with step-dad and giving him a present that he loved. Going with my intuition for step-dad’s present. Seeing my sister this past weekend for the first time since before moving overseas – while we’ve lived different lives, as we’ve gotten older, I think our relationship will strengthen. My sister’s weight loss – lost 50 pounds so far, looks even more amazing than she did before, and it inspired me even more to lose weight & live healthy as a result.

Yep... same hair.

Yep… same hair.

Around the house are: winter clothes that need putting away since we’ve clearly jumped from winter straight into summer. :-|

In the kitchen: not sure because for the first time since visiting my sister, I haven’t cooked for the house all week and plan to keep it that way until next week.

I’m planning this week to: attend a couple doctors’ appointments for the first time since returning to the U.S. (still have gripes about the U.S. healthcare system). Cook once or twice. Take kickboxing class again if I like it. Figure out what to get my uncle for his birthday. Figure out what to get my sister for her birthday (I think I already know). Attend the local NASW lecture/workshop. Visit my friend’s family and play with their 6-month-old baby & 3-month-old nephew.

My quote/verse for the upcoming week is:

Once in a while life simply takes a pause, stops to take a breath and re-consider its direction. Pause with it. Breathe into the new direction.

(I must try remembering this for the upcoming week and beyond.)

IMG_0604

Gratitude whatever-day.

Today:

I’m feeling: my usual tired self, as I almost always am on Mondays. For some reason, I don’t sleep well on Sundays. In spite of that, Mondays usually go by quick & smooth. Grateful to be employed again, after almost 8 months of unemployment & sheer hell. Glad that Memorial Day weekend is almost here, as it’s a national day of remembrance and a day off from work. And finally, grateful that I got to speak to my 3rd & 4th nephews yesterday; the 3rd one celebrated his birthday yesterday. :-)

I’m listening to: myself typing on this keyboard, along with silence on this floor. Everyone is either out to lunch or out doing visits. It’s a nice change of pace for an introvert like me, as I’m kept very busy here and there’s rarely a dull moment. I usually have my headphones attached to my ears no matter where I am, but for now, I’m enjoying the silence and rhythmic tapping of my keyboard.

I’m thinking: of all the work that I’ll finally get to complete. I’m also thinking of the things I have to do for work this week and having some time to catch up for once.

I’m reading: nothing now, unfortunately, unless you count keeping abreast of news & views on the internet. I’ll get back into proper reading once I get a Kindle. I love reading, and I look forward to getting back into it with something lighter than a regular book.

I’m looking forward to: having dinner with my (ex)stepfather for his birthday, which was yesterday. He has been one of the very few people who’ve helped me since everything happened to me, and I can never repay him the way I’d like, but the least I can do is go out with him for his birthday (especially since we haven’t seen each other since I began working and our schedules don’t match up). A short weekend trip later this month to see my (oldest younger) sister and a friend or two on the side.

I’m learning: boundary reinforcement. I can only take on but so much, and when I’m offered help, I should accept it more often.

I’m enjoying: learning more about healthy living since starting the journey over 1 month ago.

I’m creating: a healthier life physically and otherwise. Future opportunities to move up in my career.

I’m grateful for: not having to pay for my short weekend trip to see my sister. Employment. Rebuilding, very slowly but surely. Being able to help others going through hardships, this time with a lens of having experienced similar situations. The very few who’ve stuck with me through all of this. The ability to create my own family because blood isn’t thicker than water in some cases.

Around the house are: laundry to be put away. Goodness knows what else. No problem, though – the house is in good overall condition, and I’m just glad for the unconditional love that my aunt & uncle extended to me.

In my kitchen: my aunt is making ribs (now at work, but she already planned this). I’ll eat ‘em sparingly since I’m on a healthy living journey.

I’m planning later in the coming week to: look at getting short-sleeved shirts since it’s getting warmer. See my (ex)stepfather. Attend my good friend’s milestone birthday gathering.

My quote/verse for the upcoming week is: Little by little, step by step, day by day.

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Some things change…

and some things stay the same.

Still applying for jobs. There was a potential employer in England, but they flaked out on me… twice. Still not receiving any calls back, despite editing my résumé countless times and having many versions of my résumé. Still nothing in spite of applying for countless full-time, part-time, per diem, temporary & seasonal jobs.

Adjusting to being home isn’t an issue at all. My main issue is being unable to get back on my feet as quickly as I’d like. My feelings about all of this are negatively indescribable. But I have no other choice but to continue applying for work and hope that one day, someone will say to me “You’re hired.” Whether that’ll be here or in another country, who knows. What I do know is that I’m used to being home now, and maybe it’s not in the cards for me to leave again. Then again, I might be completely wrong. Everything is up in the air.

I fundraised the money needed to apply for a new visa, which is good and speaks to the genuine kindness of some people (including strangers). If things continue in the way they’ve been for the past few months, though… I’ll do the right thing after the holidays.

That’s it for now. I’ll try writing something for Xmas if I have it in me. Thanks for your consideration.

Related posts:
Home (bitter)sweet home.
http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com/2013/10/27/home-bittersweet-home/

Hard knock life. http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com/2013/11/06/hard-knock-life/

This sounds familiar. http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com/2013/11/14/this-sounds-familiar/

Reset my life. http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com/2013/11/21/reset-my-life/

Jobseeker(s). http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com/2013/12/04/jobseekers/

Thanksgiving.

My recent posts have been heavy (and for good reason). But since it’s Thanksgiving holiday season over here, I’ll post a few things for which I’m thankful.

I’m thankful for:

- reaching my fundraising goal to re-apply for a new work visa (more updates in my next post).

- the people who were kind enough to give. They may have said “No… how do we know she’s not lying about this?” or “No… she’s probably gonna use the money for something else”, but they read my story and trusted me enough to help. That humbles me even more than usual.

- the many people who’ve provided non-financial support. Priceless.

- being home for the holidays, as I hadn’t spent Thanksgiving at home since 2009 (lived in England soon afterwards). It’s good to simply call or see people, instead of Skype-ing everyone and hoping that they’re available with a 5 hour time zone difference.

- having a place to lay my head every night. I don’t have a fixed abode, but I always have at least 3 places to lay my head at night and sadly, that’s more than what some people have.

- knowing the difference between family and relatives. Trust me, there’s a difference.

- the same above about friends. The list gets smaller almost every year, but at least the genuine ones are still here.

- having bare necessities handled by those who love me.

- having a couple of interviews. I’ve applied for countless jobs, and I interviewed for 2 full-time jobs and 1 part-time job. Hoping to hear something from some employer by next month; if not, I’ll have to keep on trying.

- perspective. Little by little, I’m gaining more of it when it comes to some things, including things I never thought would happen to me.

That’s all I’ll say for now. For those of you in the U.S. with me, enjoy the holiday season. Happy Thanksgiving.

Hard knock life.

I returned to the United States on 10.22.2013. It took a week for me to get over jet-lag – it usually hits me pretty hard – and I’ve continued looking for work but to no avail. No one in the U.S. has contacted me for employment opportunities but oddly enough, agencies in England keep contacting me a couple of times per week. So I’m basically in limbo – couch-surfing, unemployed, a waiting game, a burden to society. I started a crowd-funding page to get a new visa, but I won’t post it here yet.

Honestly, I’m so disgusted with that country and what they’ve done to me, I’m not sure that I want to return. I won’t go into full detail right now, but suffice it to say that I didn’t leave because I wanted to. At the same time, I haven’t been treated that great here, either. Blood is not thicker than water. Friends, while they’ve treated me much better than blood and definitely mean well, can only help but so much.

I’ll post updates from time to time; I won’t completely abandon this blog (yet?). I’m a cautionary tale – not everything that glitters in another country is gold. I may stay here for good. I apologize to those of you who followed me along this expatriate journey, because the journey may end here.

Home (bitter)sweet home.

I apologize for my long absence from blog posting.  I’m in the United States for a while, and possibly for good.

I’m not gonna go into full details right now.  For now, I’ll just say that due to being misinformed by the employer about visa requirements, I had to return home and got here on Tuesday night. 

Will I return there?  I don’t know yet.  This experience is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (whoever that is).  Please trust that at some point, I’ll give more details.  Thank you for your consideration.